Bill has said many unforgeable things in his time on this planet. Some funny, some thought-provoking, some sad, and some scary.. but they're all worth a look at.
From "Relentless"
"I'm very tired of staring out into your vacant faces looking back at me. Wanting to fill your empty lives with humor you couldn't possibly think of yourself...... good evening!"
"Watch CNN Headline news for an hour, its the most depressing fucking thing: WAR, FAMINE, DEATH, AIDS, HOMELESS, RECESSION, DEPRESSION... and you look out your window ::cricket sounds:: where's all this shit happening?!"
"Gosh, since I've been here we've had a war. That's pretty fuckin' weird huh? a war?.. wasn't really a war though, a war is when two armies are fighting... the persian gulf distraction is more like it."
"Everyone got boners off the technology, and it was pretty incredible watching missles fly down air vents... But couldn't we feesibly use the same technology to shoot food at hungry people?"
"They don't have handguns in England but they have a really high crime rate, which tells you how polite the fuckin' English are.. "Gimme yo' wallet!"..."auroight"
"It seems to me that there will be a point in out development or our evolution where you put your guns aside."
"My god, we're being invaded by rednecks... my biggest fear."
"Would you let the UFO's land please... they might be here to pick me up."
"You gotta admit that belifs are odd. Alot of christians wear crosses around their necks.. do you think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fuckin' cross?"
"Why don't we use terminally ill people as stunt men in pictures?"
"You want your grandma dying like a little bird in a hospital room.. her translucent skin is so thin you can see her last heartbeat work its way down her blue veins??...... or do you want her to meet Chuck Norris?"
"I smoke... if this bothers anyone I recommend you look around this world in which we live in.. and shutin' your fucking mouth."
"I feel that its my duty to pass on information so we can all learn, evolve, and get off this fucking planet."
"Non-smokers die everyday..... sleep tight."
"People tell me "hey if you quit smoking, you'll get your sense of smell back." I live in New York City, I got news for you folks, I don't want my fuckin' sense of smell back"
"I'm Bill Hicks, and I'm dead now, 'cause I smoked cigarrettes... cigarrettes didn't kill me, a bucnh of non-smokers kicked the living shit out of me one night."
"I was a weekend drinker.. start on saturday, end on friday."
"I know its not a very popular idea, but its the truth.... I had a great time doing drugs."
"I've seen alot of weird shit on drugs, but I've never, ever, ever, ever looked at an egg and thought it was a brain."
"How dare you have wino tell me not to do drugs."
"I can't belive a war against drugs when they have anti-drug commercials on TV all day long followed by "This Bud is for you.""
"Your denial is beneth you, and thanks to the use of hallucinagetic drugs I see through you."
"I hope you all know this.. all governments are lying cock-suckers."
"To make marijuana agianst the law is like saying that god made a mistake."
"See, I think drugs have done some good things for us, I really do. If you don't believe drugs have done some good things for us do me a favor: go home tonight and thake all your albums, all your tapes, and all your CD's and burn them. 'Cause you know what? the musicians that made that that great music that enhanced your lives throughout the years... rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreal fuckin' high on drugs."
"The musicans today who don't do drugs and infact speak out against drugs... boy they suck. Suck.. ballless, soulless, spiritless, corprate little bitches, suckers of satan's cock, each and every one of them!"
"I am availiable for children's parties by the way."
"Why don't familes take mushrooms and stay home, and trip together?"
"To me pornography is spending all your money and not educating the people of America and spending it on weapons."
"What buisness is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, or take into my body as long as I don't harm another human being on this planet?"
From "Arizona Bay"
"I'm living in LA right now, or what I like to call 'Hell-A'"
"I'm a mammal I can afford scarves, coats, cappachino, and rosy-cheeked women and all are availiable for sale on the streets of New York"
"LA is a nightmare city and the sooner it falls into the ocean due to a major earthquake and is flushed away like the turd-city it is into the pacific bowl, the better this world will be"
"How many of you wondered during the LA riots... 'step on the fucking gas!'"
"You don't know if you're reading the front page or the comics section [in England]"
"I read an article in England: 'Yesterday, some hooligans knocked over a dustbin in Shaftsbury'"
"I'd love to put Hooligans up against the Bloods in LA... be a real short gang battle"
"I was in the assasination museum, and it's really accurate.. 'cause Oswalds not in it"
"People come up to me and say 'Bill, stop talking about Kennedy man, it was a long time ago, just forget about it' ok.. then stop talking about Jesus to me"
"I was in England and Bush fuckin' looses.. there must have been a secret service plot to keep me out of the country to protect Bush's eardrums from my shrieks of laughter"
"I read a quote in the paper 2 days after the election from Saddam Hussien... he said 'We have nothing against America, we just want to see George Bush beheaded and his head kicked around like a soccer ball"
"I'm glad bush lost to get those pro-life fucks off my TV.. that foetus had more TV time than me!"
"We're like the bullies of the world.. we're like Jack Palance in the movie 'Shane' throwing guns at sheep herder's feet"
"Fundamentalist christians believe the world is 12,000 years old... can I ask you a question?... dinosaurs"
"You ever notice how people who believe in creationism look really un-evolved?"
"Now we have women priests... thats fine, now we have priests of both sexes I don't listen to"
"While I appreciate your quaint traditions, superstitions.. I, on the other hand, am an evolved being who deals solely with the source of light which exists in all of us in our own minds.. no middle man required .... there is a LIVING GOD THAT WILL TALK DIRECTLY FUCKING TO YOU!"
"By the way, if any of your are in marketing or advertising.. kill yourself"
"marketing is the most evil concept ever"
"I went to see a movie called Basic Instinct ...peice of shit... come to find out all of the lesbian sex scenes were cut out of this film because the test audience was turned off by them.... boy is my thumb not on the pulse of America"
"Don't try and talk for me please"
"My big fear now is that I'll be renting a porno and I'll here WOOT! WOOT! WOOT!! YOU'VE RENTED YOUR MILLIONTH PORNO! "
"If you have enough courage to make porno films, go on ahead and get creative about it"
"Interactive porno. Thats the future my friends.. then all dating will be history"
"Its gonna take a very special woman.. or a bunch of average ones"
"Courtroom filled with women wanting to meet him and give him wedding proposals.. and I ask myself.. and I'm not getting laid"
"I guarantee you Satan's gonna have no problems on this planet 'cause all the woment are gonna go 'what a cute butt!'"
"He'd rule the earth for a day, then we'd see him mowing a lawn somewhere"
From "Rant in E-minor"
"I'm hosting a show called 'Let's hunt and kill Billy Ray Cyrus'"
"I was over in Australia during Easter.. Interesting to know that they celebrate easter the same way we do: commemerating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children that a giant bunny rabbit left chocolate eggs in the night, now.. I wonder why we're fucked up as a race."
"Why not goldfish left lincoln logs in your sock-drawer"
"Who are the fuckin' Gideons?!.. what are they, ninjas?.. where are they from, Gidea?"
"We're a virus with shoes"
"If you're so pro life do me a fucking favor.. don't block med clinics, lock arms and block cemeteries... lets see how fuckin' committed you are"
"If you're so pro child, then adopt one thats already here thats very unwanted and very alone"
"You're not human until your in my phonebook"
"But I've always found religion to be fascinating, such as how people act on their beliefs.. pro-lifers murdering doctors"
"I'm glad ['shrooms] are agianst the law, 'cause you know what happened when I took them? I laid in a field of green grass for 4 hours going 'My god.. I love everything!'.... now if that isn't a hazard to this country"
"Isn't it interesting that the 2 drugs that are leagal, alcahol and cigarrettes, that do absolutely nothing for you whatsoever, and the drugs that grow naturally upon this planet, drugs that open your eyes up to make you realize that you're being fucked every day of your life.. those drugs are against the law"
"Isn't that great, mushroom grow on cow turds.. I think thats why you giggle the first half hour"
"Your beliefs are just that, they're just how you were taught and raised, that doesn't make them real"
"Is anyone here, like me, compelled, obsessed, and drawn beyond their will to watch the show 'Cops' every fucking night"
"What does their family tree look like, a stump?"
"I got backed up semen, its gonna make my head explode.. next time I cum its gonna me like a wax dart coming out of my dick"
"I was in Australia and people ask me 'Are you proud to be an American?'.. I dunno, don't have a lot to do with it.. my parents fucked there"
"I hate patriotism, can't fucking stand it, makes me sick.. Its a round world last time I checked"
"Anyone dumb enough to want to be in the military should be allowed in"
"I'll tell you who the threat to the status quo is in this country is us.. that why they show you shows like fucking Cops, so you know that state power will win and will fuckin' bust you anytime we want"
"I'll show you politics in America: 'I think the puppet on the right shares my beliefs' 'I think the puppet on the left is more to my liking' hey, wait a minute there's one guy holding up both puppets 'Shut up!' go back to bed America, your government is in control. Here's Love Connection, watch this and get fat and stupid.. by the way, keep drinking beer you fucking morons."
"You do a commercial, you're off the artistic roll call, forever.. you're another corporate fuckin' shill', another whore at the capitalist gangbang, and if you do a commercial there's a price on your head, everything you say is suspect, and every word that comes out of your mouth is now like a turd falling into my drink"
"You wanna better world? Legalize pot.. You wanna get rid of the deficit? Legalize pot"
"Speaking of satan.. I was watching Rush Limbaugh the other day"
"Evolution didn't end with us growing thumbs you know"
"Why do we have a drug czar in this country? And why is he a cop? Why isn't he a guy in recovery who's had an alcohol and/or drug addiction and overcome it? And why doesn't he help people with the same problem with compassion rather than condemnation? Why do we put people who are on drugs in jail? They're sick, they're not criminals. Sick people don't get healed in jail"
"Don't you think making nature against the law seem a bit unnatural?"
"How come no one snaps and think their Buddha?"
"I'm sorry if anyone here is Catholic. I'm not sorry you're offended, I'm actually sorry that the fact you're Catholic"
"We should of embarrassed the Iraqians.. we should have assassinated Bush and said 'Thats how you do it towelhead'"
"I believe that there is an equality to all humanity: we all suck"
"I have this feeling that whoever is elected president, you go into this smoky room with the 12 industrialists, capitalists scum fucks who got you in there, and this little screen comes down and a big guy with a cigar says 'Roll the film' And it's a shot of the Kennedy assassination from a different angle you've never seen before. And the screen and the lights go up and they say 'got any questions?'"
"What matters is that if you believe in the sanctity of life, then you believe it for people of all ages"
"Why don't you try loving the people who are already fuckin' here? Instead of living for a future that never fuckin' comes.. It doesn't exist.. It aint coming.. There aint no future.. There's no such thing.. It doesn't exist"
"TV is like taking black paint to your 3rd eye"
"Mushrooms grow on cow shit. Where do you think they got the term 'that's good shit' from?"
"Childbirth isn't natural... I'll let that sink in..... We're not supposed to age or die.. We're supposed to live forever.. We're supposed to be living in a garden right now leaning against a tree naming animals.. And the fact that you don't know every animal in the world tells me that we left the garden too soon"
"Any man who says he wants children is no longer a man but a pussywhipped freak of nature who should be at home reading leather-bound copies of Donahue transcripts, renting Alan Alda films, and buying Michael Bolton CD's"
"You're children are not special"
"I have wiped entire civilizations off of my chest with a grey gym-sock"
"America, as a country is at about an 8th-grade level, emotionally"
"Every time I look at my hair I think someone needs to die"
"Lift me out of this illusion, lord.. heal my perception so that I know only reality and know only you"
From "Relentless"
From "Arizona Bay"
From "Rant in E-minor"